remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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