girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
