I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
