I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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