i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I need a beard to bite.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
