He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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