Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
