I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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