Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We got so high we made milksteak
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
