oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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