Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
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