I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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