You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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