tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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