i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
