I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
