Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
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