I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
