he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Is Oprah even human
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize