You smell like a Billy Joel song
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
