TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
