My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
