Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
