she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Less talking, more tequila
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
