his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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