im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize