Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You made out with two different species that night
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
