guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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