apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she smelled like a LAN party
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
