I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
wow bdsm is so cute
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
