I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Randomize