I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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