you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
