lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just googled if crying burns calories
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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