No stitches, just platelets and will power
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
