my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
