she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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