There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
