Only a mothe r could love this liver
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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