Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize