that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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