Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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