Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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