I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
