I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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