We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
