I can't breathe out the right side of my face
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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