I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
