I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
