Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize