god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
