Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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