I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
