well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
