Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
