i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
