I think I am morally bankrupt
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
