tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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