Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize