Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
