Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
