I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
