I never want to see another naked old woman again.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
