if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
